The Blogbecause 140 characters aren't enough
Positivity is not an inherently good or bad thing. Please stop thinking that you can’t acknowledge when you feel sad, or angry, or betrayed, or any other so called ‘negative’ emotion. It is impossible to negate anything. Denying something’s existence doesn’t make it disappear, it proves it’s there because otherwise there would be nothing to deny.
I’d much rather have a conversation with someone and feel the true depths of their emotion and realness, have them cry and shout and own their rage….than have some fake-ass conversation about how great their life is and how there’s always a silver lining. Yes, we can learn from our experiences and find joy in life, but only after we accept what our current experience is and honour it as part of the journey
Photo taken at: Polzeath
I got told today that I was too much, too intense and required too much effort to be friends with. I nearly gave the guy a big F you but what I actually did was thank him for his honesty, leave, and cry on my friend’s shoulder.
I cried because sometimes, when someone inadvertently stabs at a wound, we question whether we should hold our head up high and be exactly who we are, no apologies….or look deep within ourselves to see if we’re triggered because they’re right, and we really are what they say.
I cried because I have been told many times, in many ways, that I am too much.
And then I cried because I realised that I had handled the situation less than gracefully, and less than I might have wanted.
Instead of being true to myself and speaking out about how I was feeling, I shrunk away and became uncomfortable in my own skin. I made myself small to make someone else feel more comfortable, and in the process, they felt my energy and determined I was too much effort to be friends with.
Being anything less than 100% yourself is a lose lose situation. It makes others just as uncomfortable as you are.
I learned such a valuable lesson today. I learned that, even though I knew it already, I could no longer suffocate myself for the sake of someone else. It just suffocates all of us.
I am a lot. I am intense with a big presence and I talk a lot about feelings and sometimes I get triggered and uncomfortable and it’s ok if that’s too much for some, but from now on, I will respect the other as well as myself by honouring myself, and letting them go the moment we feel it.
And for more inspiration….here’s the words I read which prompted me to speak out today….
“There she is. . . the “too much” woman. The one who loves too hard, feels too deeply, asks too often, desires too much.
There she is taking up too much space, with her laughter, her curves, her honesty, her sexuality. Her presence is as tall as a tree, as wide as a mountain. Her energy occupies every crevice of the room. Too much space she takes.
She is dangerous.
And there she goes, that “too much” woman, making people think too much, feel too much, swoon too much. She with her authentic prose and a self-assuredness in the way she carries herself. She with her belly laughs and her insatiable appetite and her proneness to fiery passion. All eyes on her, thinking she’s hot shit.
Oh, that “too much” woman. . . too loud, too vibrant, too honest, too emotional, too smart, too intense, too pretty, too difficult, too sensitive, too wild, too intimidating, too successful, too fat, too strong, too political, too joyous, too needy—too much.
She should simmer down a bit, be taken down a couple notches. Someone should put her back in a more respectable place. Someone should tell her.
Here I am. . . a Too Much Woman, with my too-tender heart and my too-much emotions.
A hedonist, feminist, pleasure seeker, empath. I want a lot—justice, sincerity, spaciousness, ease, intimacy, actualization, respect, to be seen, to be understood, your undivided attention, and all of your promises to be kept.
I’ve been called high maintenance because I want what I want, and intimidating because of the space I occupy. I’ve been called selfish because I am self-loving. I’ve been called a witch because I know how to heal myself.
And still. . . I rise. Still, I want and feel and ask and risk and take up space.
Us Too Much Women have been facing extermination for centuries—we are so afraid of her, terrified of her big presence, of the way she commands respect and wields the truth of her feelings. We’ve been trying to stifle the Too Much Woman for ions—in our sisters, in our wives, in our daughters. And even now, even today, we shame the Too Much Woman for her bigness, for her wanting, for her passionate nature.
And still. . . she thrives.
In my own world and before my very eyes, I am witnessing the reclamation and rising up of the Too Much Woman. That Too Much Woman is also known to some as Wild Woman or the Divine Feminine. In any case, she is me, she is you, and she is loving that she’s finally, finally getting some airtime.
If you’ve ever been called “too much,” or “overly emotional,” or “bitchy,” or “stuck up,” you are likely a Too Much Woman.
And if you are. . . I implore you to embrace all that you are—all of your depth, all of your vastness; to not hold yourself in, and to never abandon yourself, your bigness, your radiance.
Forget everything you’ve heard—your too much-ness is a gift; oh yes, one that can heal, incite, liberate, and cut straight to the heart of things.
Do not be afraid of this gift, and let no one shy you away from it. Your too much-ness is magic, is medicine. It can change the world.
So please, Too Much Woman: Ask. Seek. Desire. Expand. Move. Feel. Be.
Make your waves, fan your flames, give us chills.
We need you.” Ev’Yan Witney
Some words of wisdom I know are right, but am still learning to put into practice consistently:
Don’t stay stuck in your victimhood just because giving up the justifications for being hurt or angry seems too great a sacrifice. When the sacrifice you feel by holding your pain becomes greater than the ego’s desire to remain right in it’s opinion of whatever happened, you will naturally let the past go, and find peace. It doesn’t make sense to me that for so long, we have tried to ‘forgive’ and ‘move on’ from trauma, whilst still desperately clinging to the fact that we had wrong done to us, and therefore we are a ‘victim’ or a ‘survivor’. How can we imagine we can let go of trauma and find peace if we continue to carry around the badge of honour we supposedly earned through living through it? We don’t have to deny it happened, but perhaps, one day, we can find a way to see it differently, and realise it is our judgements which cause us pain, and if we stop making things, people and events right or wrong or good or bad, then we can allow ourselves to experience life as it is, instead of making it into something else
Photo taken at: Polzeath
And maybe it is in the space in between, in the distance we create between the prompt and the ego, where we find ourselves, and the love that we knew was somewhere, and which we often thought was hiding from us, waiting for us to prove ourselves worthy of it.
Maybe, that love was there all along, waiting for the pause, waiting patiently for us to find it, and realise it was ours all along, waiting to be acknowledged and gifted to the world
Photo taken at: Polzeath
There is something sacred in being truly seen by another human soul. Having someone seemingly outside of you see your whole as so much more than the sum of your parts, and actually accept you, as you are, as whole and complete, without judgement or an attempt to change you, is the most incredible gift anyone has ever given me.
I hope that I have done the same for others, whether through counselling or romantic relationships, friendships, family, or people I’ve met seemingly randomly.
We all have an opportunity to extend peace and acceptance to someone else, and in doing so, we will be able to receive more peace and acceptance for ourselves.
P.s. I miss Sri Lanka, where I learned the most how to share my soul with others…and sit in the peacefulness of being seen
Photo taken at: Sion Surf Camp and Restaurant
I’m going through an old notebook and found this (ignore the shocking handwriting – translation below!)….I wrote it on my first trip to Sri Lanka in November 2017, provisionally for a course or programme I don’t think I ended up launching….but I don’t think it’s by chance I came across it today.
♡ How have I shown kindness?
♡ Where have I been triggered? Aka where is my opportunity to heal?
♡ How you do one thing is how you do everything….something introduced to me by a friend and something I’m still contemplating.
♡ What am I being asked to receive (from what is happening in my experience today)? Not bad questions to ask myself on a more regular basis
Photo taken at: Polzeath
It is not in the experience of the journey that life is created, but in the intention you set as you create it.
Set your intention, and the way you experience life will adapt to match it.
📸 from a few weeks ago at sunrise after a night camping in the woods….p.s. waking up for sunrise – well worth it
What does it look like, to be honest, to be truly in integrity with your heart, in that space where there is no discrepancy between your heart, thoughts, words and actions? Does it feel better? Is there more freedom in that truth? For sure there will be lessons in discernment, when to speak and when to act, when to pause and examine the contents of your heart, in the times you feel less than peaceful, and want to use your words as weapons to share the magnitude of your pain. But yes, in truth you will find freedom. You will find a love and gratitude that will surpass the thoughts of judgement and separation. For in honesty, we find connection, we find what it looks like when we see ourselves in another, and recognise love instead of seeing fear. I can tell you I’m good, and it’s true, but I can also share that I have moments when tears and grief flow from me like a never ending river, and I wonder how so much pain can be stored in one body. When I say I’m good, I mean all is well. I mean I know what love feels like and I know pain, and I’m choosing love
Photo taken at: Polzeath
One from the archives:
Do not underestimate me.
I can move mountains with a flick of my tongue.
I breathe fire and life into existence from the very images in my head and you,
You my friend, can do exactly the same if you choose.
Take off your blindfold, stop playing the victim, forgive yourself and trust that you too, have it all.
Look at the world again.
Look with innocent eyes, without the judgement and the pain of the past.
See what you would see if all you saw was love.
Then tell me I can’t, again, and watch me make it happen