The Blogbecause 140 characters aren't enough
Please stop thinking that by looking after yourself, you’ll hurt others or make them suffer. What is best for you, can only ever be what is also best for them.
If you create a boundary, you give them a structure, and allow them to make themselves accountable for their actions. You stop them from hurting you, and consequently give them the opportunity to be more loving.
By choosing a direction which disappoints another, you allow them the space to heal and accept that which wasn’t in alignment for either of you.
By following your heart, you allow others to see your light, and, by default, recognise their own.
My highest and best and your highest and best are always aligned, even when it might not seem like it straight away
She reached out her hand. Not sure if he would understand, not sure if she would be accepted, not sure if he knew what she wanted, but she offered it nonetheless. All the conversations had been had. She just offered this, herself, a connection, a bridge between two people. A hope for some sort of silent recognition. This, yes this, was all that was needed. He didn’t need to fix anything, or change something, or find the right words to say. He just needed to take her hand, and let her know he understood.
To those of us who have often taken up the role of the Fixer, or the Rescuer, know this: your loved one isn’t sharing their pain so you can be a hero. They’re not sharing it because they need you to take away their pain. They’re sharing because it feels lighter when someone sees them, when someone acknowledges, Yes. I know this hurts for you. I’m sorry you’re hurting. What can I do?
When you forget to ask what you can do, and sit with your own need to rescue, instead of recognising their need to be seen and heard, to have someone tell them it’s OK to feel how they feel, what they hear is this: “You’re feelings are bad. I can’t handle you being sad. It makes me too uncomfortable so you have to stop. I feel impotent unless I have an active role, so I’m going to follow my own agenda to do what I think I need to do to fix this. It doesn’t matter what you need. My needs are the most important. I’m not listening to you.” I know you don’t mean this, but this is what they hear. You don’t need to rescue or be a hero, you need to give her what she’s missing – compassion, and an allowance to take up space, however she feels. Give her back the control she feels she has lost in the midst of her pain.
If this resonates, or you want to understand more about how this all looks in practice, let’s chat about how we can work together – I offer 121 coaching online and am taking on new clients now
Because it came down to this….where did she feel light? Where was the fun? What happened when she let go of her expectations and need to control, and instead treated life as the game it was – her own playground full of experiments and things to learn from.
It didn’t have to be as serious as she’d once thought. She didn’t have to have all the answers before she’d even figured out the questions. She could play. She could play on the edges of her comfort zone and see what landed, and what wasn’t for her. No Big Deal. If something didn’t fit, or wasn’t aligned, or she made a mis-take, she could take what she’d learned and course-correct. It was her choice to create drama or ill-feeling, or instead choose the lighter option. Life was her playground. Nothing was irreversible. Everything could be decided on the lightness of the feeling it gave her. She was the master of her fate.
How would it change things if you started treating life as a playground with a series of experiments to see what you liked and what you didn’t? Instead of coming up with all the reasons why that isn’t practical, why not do your own experiment and try it for a bit? 📸 Tilly c. 2015
This is today’s reality. I woke up this morning ready to have a super productive day after being sick for nearly a week. In the end, I drove to town for a shop that was shut for the holidays, did some creative stuff, and managed a small walk in the sunshine with my dog.
I didn’t change lives. I didn’t do a tonne of mindset work, and I didn’t put make up on or brush my hair. That’s OK. Sometimes that’s the way it goes.
I could sit here and look at my daily checklist and berate myself for how poor a human I am, or I could be kind to myself and know that sometimes things don’t go to plan (I very nearly chose the first option). With all the pressure around the new year and needing to become a whole other person, it’s easy to get caught in comparisons and frustration. Don’t. Let’s just remember that we are all processing exactly what we need to process, at exactly the right time. For me, sometimes that looks like pushing an edge and really challenging my own resistance to change and patterns, and sometimes it looks like resting and doing nothing at all related to growth. It’s ALL part of the process.
I know what I’m capable of, and I know what support I need to get there. I am so grateful to the team of people I have around me who keep me focused, challenged, balanced, happy and safe
Your past made you who you are today, but it won’t make you who you are tomorrow.
Who you become tomorrow is defined by the choices you make today. Right now.
If you want a different future, do something different now.
A little exercise for you:
Take a moment. Close your eyes.
Envisage all you want your life to be, how you want to feel, where you’ll live, who’ll be with you, what you’ll be doing…everything.
See it. Feel it. Hear it. Smell it.
Now feel into the person you need to be in order to make that a reality.
How does this person hold themselves, feel about themselves, treat themselves? How do they treat others?
Take a few moments to embody this person – become them for as long as you can.
Take this version of you into the present moment.
Change starts now
I don’t believe in becoming ‘enlightened’. I don’t believe that one person is more ‘woke’ than another, or more conscious, or spiritually evolved or whatever you would like to call it.
That, to me, is spiritual bypassing. It’s putting yourself above another, or creating an idol of another, without recognising the oneness that is present in all of us. By saying, she’s on that level and I’m on this level, all we’re doing is creating the illusion of separateness, when most spiritual teachings speak of unity and oneness.
What I do see, is that we are all walking ourselves home, on our own journey, in our own unique and perfect way. It is not for us to judge if someone is ‘lost’ or ‘unconscious’. Maybe their ego is strong, but maybe that’s the journey their Higher Self chose for them. Maybe they don’t need us to interfere to help them ‘see the light’. Maybe, just maybe, they’re on the perfect path for them.
This year, I commit to trusting more. I commit to judging less, and knowing that everyone has their own sovereignty, and their own responsibilities, and that they know what they need to do for them. When people need help, or support, there will be a clear request for it, or an offer, given without expectation or strings. We can let people know we love them without needing to control or ‘guide’ them.
Loving without expectations. Reigning in our own egos and need to ‘help’ or rescue. This is the real lesson here
Sometimes, it’s just a case of recognising that there isn’t anyone to blame. Everyone did their best. Sometimes the best doesn’t seem good enough, but it was everything they could give at the time. It was everything you could give at the time.
And maybe that doesn’t make sense, maybe you feel there was something extra that could have been done, and you can’t think for the life of you why you, or they, didn’t do it. Perhaps there just wasn’t enough love there?
So what’s your answer? To fight ‘not enough love’ with the withdrawal of love? To punish yourself or them because if there wasn’t enough love then, less love is definitely going to make things better in the future?
Or perhaps, we can admit that we just don’t know, why it happened the way it did, but that there’s an opportunity to recognise that there IS a need for MORE love, and less judgement. Can we give ourselves, or them, that gift? Can we honour whoever got hurt the first time around by that lack of love, by showing compassion and forgiveness this time?
Can we be open to the possibility that the answer to a lack of love is more love, not less?
This is my invitation, and my desire for us all, to allow more kindness into our lives, and to be as careful as we can be with our egos, and our words, to be kind to each other
Photo taken at: SAL ROSA
If you didn’t have anyone to go to, nowhere to run…if you only had yourself to look to for the answers to your problems, where would you start?
We so often run away from ourselves, from our pain and from our suffering, and instead project our fears and anger on to those around us, then tell them they are the ones who need to change, or get help, in order to make us feel better.
Yet, any journey – any true healing you undertake – whether it be through talking therapy or anything else, asks you to look within for your answers, it asks you to heal YOUR wounds, so the external world can reflect a more peaceful internal world.
So, if you couldn’t get anyone else to ‘fix’ your problem, and your only option was to look inside yourself, to really be with, experience and accept the parts of yourself you have hidden from, run away from and rejected for so long, what would that look like?
That – the helping you take responsibility for yourself – is where therapists and healers like myself can help, support, guide and hold you. This combination of ownership, vulnerability, honesty and courage between you and whomever you ask to support you, is what creates a powerful alchemical container for change.
If your heart is longing for the freedom, authenticity and love that comes from no longer hiding from yourself (nor anyone else), have a look at my current programmes and see if we’re a match <3 .
📸 @loveluella photography
I so want this for you. I so very much want you to feel safe to be yourself, to bring all of you to the table, and, if not to feel accepted, to feel at peace knowing that the people who don’t accept you, are not your people.
I want you to know how it feels to be truly comfortable in your own skin, and truly comfortable showing the real you to those you love, and allow yourself to be loved fully, in return.
I want your relationships to feel open, and freeing, not restrictive or censored. I want you to know you are more than enough.
This is not an impossibility, nor is it inevitability. It requires courage, and a decision on your part to step forward, take responsibility, and choose love over the fearful patterns that are currently running in your unconscious.
If you would like love, guidance, powerful healing tools, support and cheerleading on this journey, check out Clarity, Compassion and Confidence.