Most of you know by now that in my early twenties I had an eating disorder. It’s no secret and whilst some people have used that information to try to hurt me in the past, it’s all over my website so it’s definitely not something I’m ashamed of. It made me who I am today and was a big part in my deciding to become a counsellor.

Through a lot of therapy, tears, hard work and pain, I came through that period of my life better than ever. I can honestly say I was cured. Most people I’ve spoken to said they’ve never been able to get rid of their problem, just learned how to manage it better so it doesn’t control their lives. I let my ego be proud of me for achieving something many were unable to.

Why am I bringing all this up again now? Because for the last couple of weeks, I’ve started to notice a couple of worrying thoughts and patterns creeping into existence again. Thoughts of binging, then the accompanying thoughts of starving for a few days as punishment for the binging.

Luckily, I know the signs and whilst there was a huge part of me that wanted to stick my head in the sand and pretend it wasn’t happening, I also knew I had a responsibility to myself to face this head on. My issues with food were all around a lack of control so I hunted high and low in my mind for what could be leading me to feel out of control. I struggled to find anything. For once in my life I was completely in control of everything – my job, where I lived, what I did, the only thing that had turned my life upside a bit was the acquisition of my puppy, Tilly.

In one of my meditations on this something popped up for me – that whilst for probably the first time I was completely in control of everything, I was also letting the Universe lead me. I was in flow. It felt great. But I guess somewhere deep inside my ego was completely freaking out that it was losing control over me, because I was finally listening to my intuition and inner guidance consistently, and ignoring it’s calls for control. Looking back I think I probably yo-yo’d between following my intuition and letting my ego get it’s way. For the last year or so I’ve been all in with the Universe – the ego hasn’t had a look in, and perhaps it had had enough.

So at least now I knew what was going on, but it didn’t help with my eating worries. So I made a plan. I did what I know best – Akashic Records work and meditation to release and forgive my ego. That night I cried, a lot. I released a lot of pain I didn’t know I was still carrying from somewhere deep inside me. Something shifted.

I haven’t overeaten since then. That was a week ago. Food is on my mind, but not the way it was, and I feel like I’ve let another part of my ego go. I’ll keep doing the work and feel confident this was just another hurdle the ego put in front of me because it got scared how well I was doing working with the Universe.

I’m telling you all this not so you’ll feel sorry for me, but because I want you to know that there are always new challenges. Sometimes we’re blind-sighted by something and will want to ignore it, but by ignoring it we allow it to fester and become even more scary in the shadows. I urge you to face up to whatever it is you’re hiding away from now. Shine a light on it and deal with it. Talk about it with someone to acknowledge it. By doing this you begin the process of taking away it’s power.

My favourite quote from A Course in Miracles is ‘In my defencelessness my safety lies.’ Open up to the scary stuff and you’ll never need to be afraid 🙂

 

I’m Emma Brooke. I work with beautiful, intelligent, compassionate and spiritual ladies who have somehow stepped away from their true selves and aren’t entirely sure how to get themselves back again. In my signature program, I take you step by step over an eight week period from overwhelm and emotional numbness to self-assured and guilt-free – knowing what you want, what you need and how you can make yourself and those you love feel fulfilled and complete. Find out more about what I offer.